sick

every once in a while i feel like my lungs are lined with plastic and cant take in the air that i try to force down.

i know that i did what i had to do.
i picked the place that i can pay for.
i picked the place that made rational sense.
i settled and everyone tells me it was the right decision.
it was the mature decision.
in my best interest considering the circumstances.

i just feel a pit in the bottom of my stomach, like where there should be an end, a foundation, a firm landing place, there is just a huge hole and i am just falling deeper and deeper into it like it is swallowing me from the inside out.

i just feel like i worked so hard, and i put each and every fiber of my being into a dream and now i am left without those pieces of myself. just a little shell that feels like it is about to cave in. 

and everyone just says start over again!
you did it once, do it again!

but each time i think about it i feel like my heart turns to chalk and begins to slowly crumble away.

and it makes me feel like i'm about to throw up.
my stomach tenses up, and my breath get stuck in my chest.
i cant.
i worked so hard once and it failed.
i started something, and did everything i could to be successful.
i did everything right.
and it still didnt work.
so what if i do that again and everything falls apart.
i cant handle that.
im not a big enough person to take it on.
i dont want to feel like this for four more years.
i just want to be someone new who doesnt care.