i felt bright.
warm and powerful as the planets spun around me,
telling me i was special
i was a star.
something new
something with light to shed on those around me,
something different and important to this universe.
i was a star.
but then it happened,
and something inside of me began to pop and sizzle
as i became heavier
and heavier
swiveling about, unable to stand firm.
the iron that once surrounded my heart, keeping me safe and strong,
bites like shrapnel with each
heaving
breath.
and the fire within me is no longer a warming hearth,
but a scalding, burning, choking flame
as i start to collapse.
ten.
nine.
eight.
seven.
six.
five.
four.
three.
two.
one...
ten seconds away from gravity taking over,
ten seconds away from swallowing everything around me whole,
ten seconds away from being enveloped in black.
i was a star.
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
sick
every once in a while i feel like my lungs are lined with plastic and cant take in the air that i try to force down.
i know that i did what i had to do.
i picked the place that i can pay for.
i picked the place that made rational sense.
i settled and everyone tells me it was the right decision.
it was the mature decision.
in my best interest considering the circumstances.
i just feel a pit in the bottom of my stomach, like where there should be an end, a foundation, a firm landing place, there is just a huge hole and i am just falling deeper and deeper into it like it is swallowing me from the inside out.
i just feel like i worked so hard, and i put each and every fiber of my being into a dream and now i am left without those pieces of myself. just a little shell that feels like it is about to cave in.
and everyone just says start over again!
you did it once, do it again!
but each time i think about it i feel like my heart turns to chalk and begins to slowly crumble away.
and it makes me feel like i'm about to throw up.
my stomach tenses up, and my breath get stuck in my chest.
i cant.
i worked so hard once and it failed.
i started something, and did everything i could to be successful.
i did everything right.
and it still didnt work.
so what if i do that again and everything falls apart.
i cant handle that.
im not a big enough person to take it on.
i dont want to feel like this for four more years.
i just want to be someone new who doesnt care.
i know that i did what i had to do.
i picked the place that i can pay for.
i picked the place that made rational sense.
i settled and everyone tells me it was the right decision.
it was the mature decision.
in my best interest considering the circumstances.
i just feel a pit in the bottom of my stomach, like where there should be an end, a foundation, a firm landing place, there is just a huge hole and i am just falling deeper and deeper into it like it is swallowing me from the inside out.
i just feel like i worked so hard, and i put each and every fiber of my being into a dream and now i am left without those pieces of myself. just a little shell that feels like it is about to cave in.
and everyone just says start over again!
you did it once, do it again!
but each time i think about it i feel like my heart turns to chalk and begins to slowly crumble away.
and it makes me feel like i'm about to throw up.
my stomach tenses up, and my breath get stuck in my chest.
i cant.
i worked so hard once and it failed.
i started something, and did everything i could to be successful.
i did everything right.
and it still didnt work.
so what if i do that again and everything falls apart.
i cant handle that.
im not a big enough person to take it on.
i dont want to feel like this for four more years.
i just want to be someone new who doesnt care.
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