supernova

i felt bright.
warm and powerful as the planets spun around me,
telling me i was special
 i was a star.
something new
something with light to shed on those around me,
something different and important to this universe.
 i was a star.

but then it happened,
and something inside of me began to pop and sizzle
as i became heavier
and heavier
swiveling about, unable to stand firm.
the iron that once surrounded my heart, keeping me safe and strong,
bites like shrapnel with each
heaving
breath.
and the fire within me is no longer a warming hearth,
but a scalding, burning, choking flame
as i start to collapse.

ten.
nine.
eight.
seven.
six.
five.
four.
three.
two.
one...

ten seconds away from gravity taking over,
ten seconds away from swallowing everything around me whole,
ten seconds away from being enveloped in black.

i was a star.

sick

every once in a while i feel like my lungs are lined with plastic and cant take in the air that i try to force down.

i know that i did what i had to do.
i picked the place that i can pay for.
i picked the place that made rational sense.
i settled and everyone tells me it was the right decision.
it was the mature decision.
in my best interest considering the circumstances.

i just feel a pit in the bottom of my stomach, like where there should be an end, a foundation, a firm landing place, there is just a huge hole and i am just falling deeper and deeper into it like it is swallowing me from the inside out.

i just feel like i worked so hard, and i put each and every fiber of my being into a dream and now i am left without those pieces of myself. just a little shell that feels like it is about to cave in. 

and everyone just says start over again!
you did it once, do it again!

but each time i think about it i feel like my heart turns to chalk and begins to slowly crumble away.

and it makes me feel like i'm about to throw up.
my stomach tenses up, and my breath get stuck in my chest.
i cant.
i worked so hard once and it failed.
i started something, and did everything i could to be successful.
i did everything right.
and it still didnt work.
so what if i do that again and everything falls apart.
i cant handle that.
im not a big enough person to take it on.
i dont want to feel like this for four more years.
i just want to be someone new who doesnt care.

marigold man

the marigold man left me standing in the sand
with my toes all cold
as the dark sea rose
i waited for him there 
waited for a year
but there i stood once again alone

he said
spring will come
and your heart will warm
the long dark days
will slowly fade away
stay still my dear
just wait for me here
wait through april's fog and mist
wait for springtime and we'll kiss
the wind hello

summer melted into fall
the leaves floated down
and through my bones
the chill came on
and then at once i knew.
the dark
was now.

lost at sea in january
flailing through the storms
left me wanting for your arms
around me
but i couldnt bear to think it
couldnt bear to dream it
my spring time friend
forgot me once again

then
february faded fast
and the mists of april too
but still i waited on the shore
calling out to you

oh mister spring time man
where did you go
are you lost out there wading through the snow
bring your blankets made of sunshine
let my little garden grow
come once again to see me
help me make it through

so goodbye greylight
goodbye snow
i never once did care for
all that you did blow
goodbye winter
please leave me here

ill wait here on this seashore
wait here on this pier

cause he said,

spring will come
and your heart will warm
the long dark days
will slowly fade away
stay still my dear
just wait for me here
wait through april's fog and mist
wait for springtime and we'll kiss
the wind hello

i feel like i cant write because all i want to do is cry
and you cant cry in words.
its not fair.
and i hate it.
i worked so hard to be something and now i feel like i have to choose between being that something and being the grownup that im supposed to be.

i don't get it.

i have no words.
no words for the unfairness
for the lack of intelligence
for the absolutely ridiculous reasoning that you employ.

once.

we used to talk about what we wanted to be when we grew up.
we were astronauts, or artists.
tourists or thieves.
but now that we've gotten there,
i feel like nothing is the way that we dreamed.

our hands,
they have grown.
bigger, stiffer, colder.
they don't seem to fit like they used to.
the don't seem like they could form the future out of clay.

our eyes have now looked at the world
and seen something less magical
less perfect.
more real.
and now, when i see your face, and i look into your eyes
i know that they too are tainted.

i know that you are still the boy that i once loved.
and i know that underneath the calluses you still have those perfect sweet hands.
but i can't help but force my eyes closed
and try to remember everything that we had promised the world would be.

i'm fine.

you can't ask me to talk
can't need my permission or blessing
you can't decide to care now.
you can't be concerned with my welfare.
can't go back to how things were before
because you made your decision.
you picked

because i begged you not to ask
begged you to let me keep myself locked up
begged you to leave good enough alone.

but you picked and proded
and tweezed away at what i had
pulling apart the pieces of myself that i kept safe

that's not fair.
you dont get to bargain now
you dont get to know how i feel
not any more.